Our Lady of the Broken Hearts

More earrings.

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All the earrings I make under here.

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I've been watching this community for a while and I'm very impressed with all of the great things people create. I finally decided to join and post some things of my own. So here's my first post, hope you all like!

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xoxo

I know my entries have been rather unhappy lately. Such is life. I'm just feeling that way tonight. Anyway, I only know of one person who reads this. But I'm posting this to get it off my chest.
Ever since I can remember, movies, books, tv shows, they all have a fairly happy ending. No matter how many people die, or bombs blow up, or friends fight, the main characters walk off into the sunset with love. Eventually, most people get to experience that, but for the rest, there is no happy ending. Instead, there is unique love, shattered by an uncontrollable force. Then darkness ensues. Because it was all a string of lies in the first place. Before you know it, you are standing, starring off, waiting for them to come back. You really believe that it will all go away like a bad dream. But morning after morning you wake up to your new reality, until it eventually sinks in that you will have to adjust. And no matter how hard you try to forget, what used to be there beats at your heart ever waking moment. Then it invades your sleep, your dreams. Not as if you can escape. Even under the influence of prescription medication and alcohol, you cry in a ball because your heart is breaking over and over again. Convincing anyone to care for you again is a huge chore. It will inevitably turn out that who you want to be with will not be interested, no matter how much you have in common or how well you get along. You will stand by him until he finds the one he is meant to be with, and then you will pine from afar. You’ll be his shoulder to cry on, his source for advice, his support for everything, and you will get a slap in the face in return. You know that no matter how much you want to be happy, it just will not be achieved. By some stroke of fate, you have been chosen to provide others with happiness and give back what the world is too greedy to give. While everyone will grow around you, love and be loved, you will drown yourself in work, and sleep in a lonely bed. Though you know that what you are doing is the right thing, you can not help but be a bit selfish and wish, hope, and pray for something wonderful to happen to you. You will try to win back your love, and he will ignore you. You will think that he will come back eventually. You will cut yourself, start smoking, drink too much, and try to engage in other relationships, all of which will probably fail. Everyone will eventually tell you to get over it and move on, easier said than done. Best advice, tell them to try being in your shoes. Of course they will insist that they have been, and some of them are right, but most of them will have no idea how you are feeling. Basically, you will walk of into the sunset by yourself, and no one will come running after you, no music will play, and no one will care. The end.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to good manners and elegance.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

9 out of 10 men will say they are looking for a girl with similar interests and a kind heart. 9 out of 10 men will also take the beauty over the wit. Point: for the average tomboy, with an average body, with an average face, the chances of finding a guy, are slim. This irritates me. Why don't men want to go for a compadable girl than the one that looks like a model, with half a brain and see through underwear? If it's the underwear that entice, have fun with that, she'll never make you happy, cook you dinner, or be behind you 100%. Go pick a trophy wife and fuck off.

I'm bitter.

I was not bored when things were perfect.

I do not know where to begin.

I have a sinking feeling.

I do not understand.

--

Hung out with Kat and Kait tonight and had a lot of fun. I need to get out more and really enjoy myself. Also, I'm going to start taking better care of myself from now on. I was trying to do that for a while but now I'm very serious about it. I'm excited about Sunday and the anime fest. I'm such a nerd. Also, Monday couldn't come soon enough. I feel like I'm ready to breakdown lately. Everything is just bumping up against the edge of my sanity line. Things are really hard to cope with right now. I know I have it a lot better than many people, things in my life just feel chaotic. However, I am very thankful for all of my blessings lately, the people that have really been there for me and helping me through everything. I think this might become my main journal since I can write everything here. I really want to get something out, so I'm just going to write it down. My boyfriend recently broke up with me after a year, saying that we needed time apart and he just thought that he found the perfect woman too soon. We've known eachother for four years and been interested in eachother pretty much since the day we met, but it didn't really take off until a little over a year ago.

I'm feeling a bit down today, I feel like he was perfect for me and I gave it my all and he didn't care. He started dating another girl, she was fairly shallow and naieve when I met her a month or so ago. Then she dumped him and went back to her ex, and he wrote in his online journal that the five days with her were some of the best in his life because they had so much in common and he could really be himself. It's like I dont even know who he has become. Was I dating someone that I really didnt know? I thought I knew him. I'm so blown away, I just don't know what to think. I mean I gave myself fully to him and it's like it wasnt really him he didn't really care. I know he's changing because we're in college and it happens, it just feels like such a drastic change. I still love him very much, I just don't know what he is thinking or what is going on anymore. I feel so lost, and I'm sure he does too. I really wish we could just talk about it, but I doubt he wants to. This is all so unnerving. I feel like I'm falling apart lately.

Anyone is welcome to comment on this, I would actually appreciate it. Even if it's that I'm stupid, say what you feel, I understand that.

Anyway, I have work in the morning, goodnight all.

Yeah. Bad day.


a pic I took

"Stupid" Sarah McLachlan

Night lift up the shades
let in the brilliant light of morning
but steady me now
for I am weak and starving for mercy
sleep has left me alone
to carry the weight of unravelling where we went wrong
it's all I can do to hang on,
to keep me from falling
into old familiar shoes

how stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one I see

love has made me a fool
set me on fire and watched as I floundered
unable to speak
except to cry out and wait for your answer
but you come around in your time
speaking of fabulous places
create an oasis
that dries up as soon as you're gone
you leave me here burning
in this desert without you

everything changes
everything falls apart
I can't stand to feel myself losing control
in the deep of my senses I know

"Foolish Games" Jewel

You took your coat off, and stood in the rain.
You were always crazy like that.
And I watched from my window,
Always felt I was outside looking in on you.

You were always the mysterious one with
dark eyes and careless hair.
You were fashionably sensitive, but too cool to care.
You stood in my doorway, with nothing to say,
Besides some comment on the weather.

Well in case you failed to notice,
In case you failed to see,
This is my heart, bleeding before you,
This is me down on my knees.

And these foolish games are tearing me apart,
And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart...
You're breaking my heart.

You were always brilliant in the morning:
Smoking your cigarettes, and talking over coffee.
Your philosophies on art, Baroque moved you;
You loved Mozart,
And you'd speak of your loved ones,
As I clumsily strummed my guitar.

But excuse me, think I've mistaken you for somebody else:
Somebody who gave a damn,
Somebody more like myself.

You took your coat off and stood in the rain;
You were always crazy like that.

If you're allowed to do TEN people, no questions asked, who would they be? REAL people only--no fictional characters, no 'past' people, just people in their current state and looks. Provide pictures, please.

Stole from nyde and this has aparently been going around for a while.

I'm bored so I decided to do this.

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Have a good weekend everyone!

Random funny crap:

Me--"Every band is trying to be so emo! It's annoying! And look! *points to MTV music video* That band is trying to be Weezer!"

Kat--"That's because they are Weezer...."

Me--"Oh....."

GacktxHyde is Love!

Weee! I made a colorbar!

Not much going on today. Misty and I looked for apartments and we fell in love with the first one. It's so nice. I am really excited to move in.

Nothing going on lately. I didn't do anything this weekend but go to training on Saturday. I will admit that the new theater is really great. We got to watch the new Star Wars trailer and it totally rocked. Other than that, I went to Kat's for about 30 minutes and became jealous of all the awesome anime stuff she had aquired at the comic book convention. Waxed my car today, it took me forever. Then some lady threw her drink on my door at Sonic. I should have ran her over with my car.

I'm ready to be out of school. I'm sick of driving between Emporia and Topeka. I have to go back on Tuesday and vote. VOTE NO! I wish I could set fire to all the stupid vote yes signs I see. Anyway, I took the long way back today, it was really nice. All the country driving gave me some chill time, which I desperately needed. Well, that's about it, a busy week lined up.

VOTE NO!

Hyde is Love

A color bar by the lovely atara_chan !

Today wasn't too bad. The weather is lovely! Cloudy and cool. I wish it were a bit warmer but I love it when it's cloudy out! Became rather upset with ceramics today because I can't throw a cup to save my life. Decided to leave an hour early and took a nap. Life drawing wasn't too bad. My teacher wants the hands that I drew to put up in the display case. Yeah! I hope my photography teacher gives me my slide picture back soon, it's my fav so far. Kari and I went to get some photo paper and got some Taco Bell. I know better than to eat Taco Bell, but it sounded yummy! I should be going and developing my prints.
xoxo

Made some cute Hyde and Gackt icons. That's about it for today. I'm feeling better. It's wonderful outside.

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I feel like I'm drowning. I can't keep my head above water. The air outside even makes me feel so.

The power of the written word is immense. I can't bring myself to write down what has happened, especially in my real diary. It's as if I would write it, it would be set in stone, unchangeable. It's terrifying.

I don't want to sleep because them I am alone with my thoughts. I don't want to eat because I feel sick all the time.

My heart is breaking over and over again every day. I have nothing to put it back together with. Everything is different and it's hard to find comfort. I'm numb.

I'm drowning.

10 years ago, I was. . .
1. 8 years old
2. chubby (still am)
3. Observing my parents’ divorce
4. Attending a school without air conditioning
5. was naive

4 years ago, I . . .
1. Was a freshman in high school
2. was being made fun of by the whole soccer team
3. Began running
4. Lead some of my friends in a revolution of sorts
5. Constantly wore my hair in a pony tail

1 year ago, I . . .
1. Had a wonderful boyfriend
2. Was finishing up high school
3. Was thinking about how much I was going to miss my two fav teachers
4. Missed my grandmother at graduation
5. Felt happy

Yesterday, I . . .
1. Drove back to college
2. Began to think that maybe frumpy was ok for me after all, then refused to eat
3. Downloaded the New World PV but discovered it was only the song, I’m still on the hunt for the real pv
4. Made a mix CD
5. Sat in my empty dorm

Today, I . . .
1. Dressed cute
2. Developed my film
3. Took a nap
4. Played with my digital camera
5. Wanted to go for a really long drive

Tomorrow, I will. . .
1. Suffer through ceramics
2. suffer through life drawing
3. Study for my math test
4. Watch Charmed
5. Possibly start up writing again

5 top locations I'd like to run away to:
1. The middle of nowhere
2. Mexico, a small town with friendly people
3. Japan
4. The UK
5. Somewhere where no one knows me

5 things I'd do with $1,000
1. Fund my college education
2. Buy Cds and DVDs
3. Buy clothes
4. travel
5. See an amazing concert

5 bad habits I have:
1. worrying
2. Not sleeping
3. too nice, letting people walk all over me
4. Complaining
5. worrying

5 TV shows I like:
1. Charmed
2. Gilmore Girls
3. Queer Eye for the Straight Guy
4. CSI Miami and the original
5. Law and Order SVU and the other 400 branches of that show

5 biggest joys at the moment:
1. Getting lost in JJ72
2. How nice it is outside
3. How it smells outside (like burning farm land)
4. Hanging out with Misty again
5. Inspiration

Easter.

Went to a church that I don't normaly go to for Easter service today. It would have been ok but for the fact that this particular religion consists of a bunch of hypocrits. They really believe that if you aren't with them you're going to hell. Not to mention the vote yes flyers all over the place. The sermon was a lot about accepting people and loving everyone, which they don't. I just find it funny, they turn away any religions other than Christianity and heaven forbid you enter their church if you are homosexual. Anyway, at least it was just mostly singing. That I could deal with.

VOTE NO and promote the freedom to love and be loved!!!!

Easter lunch was yummy. My mom made a really great ham and my uncle Larry came over to eat with my sister, mother, grandfather, and me. I'm really glad that I got to see my family over break, I miss them when I'm at school.

Packed up after that and came back to school. It's freezing in our dorm. Misty won't be home until after 11 when she gets off work. So I've had no one to talk to since 5. Just finished burning a CD for my English teacher. He likes British music so I thought I'd make him a mix. I doubt he's heard of most of these bands however, and I am interested to see his reaction to Stripper Vicar. We both complain to eachother about the price of import CD's. Speaking of English, I have reading to do for that class....

Had a little to eat tonight, seaweed crackers and water to be exact. I forgot that we had our refrigerators unplugged, so there isn't any food and I really don't feel like ramen. I can't wait to have an apartment this fall and cook my own food.

Reading Namedropper over again for the third time. It's such a great book. I really can't wait for Harry Potter: The Half Blood Prince to come out though! I've been reading tons of fan fics lately because I'm going through Harry Potter withdrawls! I'm such a loser.

I haven't unpacked yet. I should probably do that soon.

Today was good.

Went shopping with my mom and got some shoes for work and some new Converse. They make me remember. Then we headed to Lawrence and I got this great purse that has sushi on it! I also purchased two cook books for my apartment this fall, some incense, Hello Kittie candy, and some seaweed crackers. Yum! Mom and I ate at the Pochi Tea Station. I love the chicken and mushroom crepes and the peach tea. Then we went to the World Market, I love that place. They have so many amazing things there. The linens are so lovely, and so are the dishes and furniture.

Came home and chilled out for a while watching The Emperor's New Groove, then headed to Kelsey's to chill with her, Mel, and Amy. We watched some TV and had some popcorn, followed by crazy faces made at the lamb shaped cake and oodles of pictures. After watching SNL, which by the way has become not very funny, I headed home.

My mom and I are going to her friends church tomorrow for Easter service. It will be a singing program, so that will be interesting. I miss church. Actually, I miss my old church and being able to trust everything and everyone. I miss that about being younger, not asking questions but just believing.

Last night was fun. Kat and I wandered around Lawrence after I enjoyed the wonderful dinner she made me! We read some books at Borders and got some ice cream. We decided not to go to Neon and instead watched Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason.
Today I woke up really late and layed around on the couch until Amy called me over to her house to chill with her, Derek, and Melissa. Amy, Derek, and I played pool and waited for Mel, Amy and I also had some Bacardi. I discovered that I don't like Bacardi very much, and it doesn't like me either. After that, I was very tired. I'm still tired. We all had ice cream after playing Scene It and watched Sleepy Hollow at my house. Johnny Depp looks really good in that movie!
My mom and I then went to Subway for dinner and then Wal-Mart for some groceries. They say on that commercial that when you don't get enough sleep at night your brain is on auto-pilot. I agree. However, auto-pilot did not prevent me from running into that clothes rack with the shopping cart. I'm so tired.
Tomorrow my mom and I are going to do some more shopping, I need shoes for work. Too bad I can't wear my new Nike's, I think it's really unfair that they want to compromise people's comfort at a job. I mean I should really always be wearing a tennis shoe because of my back. Blah. Oh well.
I watched Ichi the Killer the other day and I still need to watch The Audition tonight before I have to take it back tomorrow.
School is right around the corner.

Nothing much to report. Wish spring break was longer. I need to do some art very badly, just can't bring myself to create any. Hope that tomorrow night at Neon goes well. I'm looking forward to going and dancing and just hanging out. I'm also glad to be getting my hair cut tomorrow. Possibly I will post pictures. Does anyone still read this by the way?